trigger warnings: i take accountability for the fact that i have not done tws in the past. i will from now on be conscious of putting "tw: [content that may be triggering]" before posts that i think need that. i will also put those into the tags for use w/ things like savior. please let me know a preferred system for you/tw's that i do not do that you need and/or want.
met an awesomeeee person during work today. we talked for a long time about poc/mixed/api/aapi/white spaces, privilege, growing up experiences, having mixed kids/how they see their kid experience being mixed in this context, williamsburg/colonial ventures, etc.
figuring out how to talk to people in a way that seems fulfilling, honest, truthful, and good in spaces with harmful cultures. <3
I want to be with you. I wanna go live in a house together. Invite Alyssa and mike to come w dogs and cats in tow. I wanna have a queer commune collective resources sex-gender-body-skill trades. I wanna sleep in a different soft or hard place every night tempered with love. I wanna invite all travelers and displaced folx a place to rest their spirit soul and head. I wanna share toys partners stories loves cultures foods friends non secrets. I wanna have different levels balconies pools skate areas play areas all with elevators escalators alarms with lights sounds and vibrations. I wanna have a haven and hard conversations and work to struggle through together. I wanna be real about my wants needs capacity strengths weaknesses process. I wanna invite family over to weave a patch onto our quilt borne of love pain experience vulnerability in/visibility pressure force. I wanna break bread nori beans bottles boundaries walls borders with y’all. I wanna listen and not respond. Feel you in my core. Spread spirit throughout the space. Engage differently and constantly every day. Give all I want and got and keep some for me too. Love loving my body gender people roots nests flight leaves feathers pieces shattered and together. I wanna set cruise control on long road trips with hard conversations and through new grounds always. I want to recognize the way our mind bodies and spirits are colonized and settled in. I want to reclaim that and disclaim ownership over property land and other people’s emotions. I wanna get past “this stuff” and jump right in. I want both and. I want me. I want to be seen when I am unsure. I wanna see your energy and aura. I wanna call out privilege and appropriation and violence in my self others and our space. I wanna rainbow composed of different size color body ability sound senses feelings.Tru 사랑
“Marie: Do you find that some people will be like, “What are you?” You look “exotic” or whatever, but they can’t put their finger on it. When someone finds out I am Filipino they usually just ask me to cook them pancit or adobo. I can’t blame them, because dat shit is good.”
truly appreciating the humor and realness in this discussion on growing up and being mixed in the U.S. right now. So much of this resonates with me, and so much of this is new for me. I really do recommend reading it as it offers varied voices, perspectives, responses, etc, and really isn’t that long at all.
i’ve been thinking a lot lately about race. how i identify in terms of race. this has always been muddy waters for me. i mostly check the “other” box if i have the opportunity on forms. if that’s not a choice, “mixed” or “interracial” is my next choice (as if all “mixed” people are a single race…?). if i must, i check both white&korean, or i choose one haphazardly. i’ve never felt/thought of myself as either white or korean, so mixed and other always felt more real to me. but a lot of people don’t like to stop there when they ask “what are you” or “where are you from” (and follow up with “i mean like… your parents. what are they?”).
this brings me to how i am identified by others in terms of race. i was out this past weekend- the group of friends i was with knew the manager and we were able to stay after they had to clear the bar because of being over-capacity. the manager came over and said something to the effect of “oh no, it looks like i just let all of the white people stay!”
granted i had been drinking, that comment almost brought me to tears. i can’t identify exactly why it bothered me so much. in thinking about it more, i think it has to do with the incongruence between how i self-identify and how i am “pegged” by others. the phenomena of “self-identification” as the most important aspect of identity that is championed in some queer-oriented circles seems to go completely out the window in situations like this. i can identify however i want, for years, and feel established in that identification. and this can be stripped from me in a matter of seconds with an off-hand comment from a complete stranger. i felt totally powerless and erased in a way that i was not prepared for.
i am very aware that i must acknowledge the white privilege i have. (i “pass” for white often, especially depending on the company im with at the time.) i have it. i am constantly investigating it and making sure to (try to) keep it in check. i make mistakes a lot and am in no way trying to erase that i have a lot of privilege in many spaces. the part that is jarring is the large part of the white privilege that i have being a result of how others percieve me which is at odds with how i perceive myself.
what i’m realizing is that for all of my actions, i must consider them first in terms of my own identity, but secondly and lastly i must look at how they are understood based on how i am identified by others. since i am unable to know how others understand my race, i feel completely unable to understand how what i am saying or doing appears. this is paralyzing and i’m often in a state of suspension, inaction.